Now that 2012 is one month shy of being in the books, and
we’ve seen every trailer for films that are going to be released this year, I
thought it was time I introduced two new columns I hope to write every year:
The Five Worst Trailers of 2012, and the Five Best Trailers of 2012 (coming
soon).
By way of introduction, my set of criteria for the “worst”
list is basically this: how terrible do I think the film will be, based on the
trailer? For instance, the trailer for Gangster
Squad is a pretty terrible trailer in and of itself, but I also know that
it stars Ryan Gosling, Sean Penn, and Emma Stone, and it is directed by the visionary
man who gave us Zombieland, so it
makes me think it won’t be a totally terrible film.
And that’s pretty much the extent of it. Other than that, please be aware that I conducted way more research than was necessary here in order to give you the best possible list (I watched A LOT OF CRAPPY TRAILERS). Hope you enjoy.
#5: What to Expect When You’re Expecting
It was a tough call at #5 between the two barrel-scraping
ideas that somehow got made into feature motion pictures this year: this film,
and Battleship. I can imagine an old studio exec, fresh out
of creative ideas, saying this: “Yeah, well...I do have a couple of ideas, but I think they’re kinda lame...see one
is based on a hit board game in which you guess numbers to sink the other
team’s boats...and the other, I don’t really know what it’s about but there’s
this book everyone reads when they get pregnant and I think it would make a
great, catchy title for a film...”
And somehow, those are the two ideas that get made into
films.
The trailer itself isn’t so
offensive that it shocks the conscience, but the tired “get me the epidural!!”
joke did nothing to win me over, nor did the obligatory playing of Notorious
B.I.G.’s “Big Poppa” as the group of husbands enter with strollers in tow. Then when Glee’s
Matthew Morrison made his appearance and a woman literally sneezed her baby out
of her vagina, I didn’t feel like watching the rest of the trailer; but I’m
assuming that one of the dads gets hit in the nuts at some point, or a toddler
screams something really inappropriate (at which point the audience laughs
uncontrollably), or Cameron Diaz does something that 35-year old women think is
hilarious but everyone else is confused by this, or whatever. Anyway, I don’t plan on catching up to this
one anytime soon.
#4: Dark
Shadows
Hey,
look everyone! Tim Burton made another film adapted from black comedic
material! Whoa, hold on, is that...Johnny Depp in the lead role, playing some
sort of idiosyncratic weirdo?! No way!! Wait wait wait, don’t tell me Helena
Bonham Carter is in this also, playing some sort of freak with frizzy hair...that
would just be unprecedented!
Seriously,
Tim Burton’s paycheck could not be sticking any further out of his back
pocket. The guy has made two good movies
in the last 10 years, Big Fish and Sweeney Todd (the latter mainly being
because he left Sondheim’s musical mostly un-bastardized). But he and Disney keep making bank, so why
would anyone try to improve what they’re doing? He is the definition of
mediocre.
#3: Stolen
This
wouldn’t be a respectable list of any sort if there weren’t a film starring
Academy Award Winner Nick Cage!! (I just loved that they threw that in there).
In apparently what was the rejected first script for the movie Taken, badass Cage is a former criminal
(but the crime he committed was probably a misunderstanding and I’m sure he has
a great heart) whose daughter is...wait
for it...STOLEN...and he must steal $10 Mil for the ransom demanded by his
former partner who probably should have spent a little longer in the makeup
department finding a wig (while I’m at it, can we just stop for a moment to
mourn the death of Josh Lucas’s promising career?). What are the odds that a studio executive
somewhere just goes all-out and develops the idea for a film in which Liam
Neeson AND Nick Cage’s daughters are simultaneously kidnapped and then, in a
shocking twist of events, the former criminal and the intelligence agent must
work together to get them back? The film would
obviously be called TAK3N: STOLEN YET AGAIN.
#2:
This Means War
Two
white, male, ultra good-looking CIA Agents (aren’t they all, in movies?) discover they are dating the same hot white
blonde and instead of being mad at her for being a cheating skank, try to screw
with each other for the next hour and a half while you wonder how, exactly, your
girlfriend dragged you into seeing this and whether or not she will still aptly
reward you later if you are checking basketball scores throughout the
movie. Your interest level is unaffected
when the two agents realize that they must work together to solve an imminent
international crisis (after some crotchety old and/or probably black boss tells
them he doesn’t care about their personal s*** because they have a job to do),
and then probably have some witty back-and-forth bantering about the love
triangle as they are being rapidly fired upon in their final mission.
Also, there’s probably an explosion and
somehow the white skank gets involved in the mission and put in harms way and
one of the agents saves her. (I just made up that whole plot, but it sounds
pretty plausible, right?)
#1: That’s My Boy
Film criticism of Adam Sandler movies has become a living
organism all on it’s own, to the point where I think some critics go out of
their way to apologize for his films in order to go against the grain; still,
every time a Sandler film is released, the best part of my day is firing up the
ole’ internet and reading every review I can get my hands on. If I had done this column last year, there’s
no doubt in my mind that Jack & Jill
would have taken the top prize in this contest, what with its barrier-breaking
commentary on cross-dressing and all (wait, no? oh).
Anyway, whatever greatness Jack & Jill may have brought to the table, the trailer for That’s My Boy demonstrates Sandler’s
uncompromising, stubborn determination to constantly improve upon himself with
each passing film. Where Jack & Jill gave us cross-dressing
jokes, That’s My Boy gives us
pedophilia humor*. Al Pacino in a cameo?
Psshh, we’ll give you Rex Ryan in a cameo!
Other things we’ll just throw in for free here: a chick catching a fly
ball in her cleavage, tattooing your 8-year-old son’s back, ripping off your
own drunk voice from your Billy Madison character,
strip club after strip club, ripping off the “waaazzzzuuupppp!!!” voice from
the decade-old Budweiser commercials, more strip clubs, and did I mention
pedophilia humor?
THE SANDLER DOES NOT SETTLE FOR MEDIOCRITY!!
*As long as we are all aware that if this was a female
student who was in a relationship with a male teacher, the public outcry would
be deafening and all kidding aside this is a ridiculous double-standard being
promoted here.
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